Weeds 🍁

I grind my sticky weed

pack my bowl

breathe in deep

exhale with a sigh of relief

my chest feels heavy

head is light

thoughts cease to exist

a moment of delight

 

Date no. 1000000000000000000000001

I went out on another date yet again today. This one left me as confused and lost as the last one. It was weird, the moment I saw him pull up I instantly fell in love with him through the windshield of his Honda Civic. He is the definition of perfection..until he opens his mouth. Perfect body, dreamy eyes and a smile that will leave you breathless. The best part is that I finally found another Afghan I could get along with. I’ve been dating a lot recently but I haven’t met an Afghan that I actually liked since freshman year of high school. He was the also first guy I actually fell in love with, and that high school soulmates thing. Anywho… I couldn’t help but smile and laugh all day, my cheeks were red and sore. We had a plan  but it didn’t really work out. We were together, that’s all that mattered. He is 28, has absolutely no idea what he is going to be doing in life. He doesn’t have a proper job and he still lives with his parents. The worst part is that he is a loser just like the other ones. That type of man who is going to need more attention from you then you need from them. Who will probably take advantage of your kindness in the end. Who has cheated and said that they have learned from their mistakes but don’t regret it exactly. The wanna-be player type who thinks that he will never make the mistake of falling in love again. The one who you will give your all to, and just be disappointed with at the end.  I know this type far too well and don’t want to go through this whole thing with yet another gorgeous  stranger. I want this to remain nothing but a fond memory to both of us. I can’t see myself marrying this man because I know he and I are on completely different spectrums. What it about him that interests me so much though? My desire for physical attraction is far too important to ignore but I crave attention and protection. I crave a man who will be there for me. I want to find a partner for life, a best friend and a role model for my kids someday. I want to be able to trust them with all my heart and know that they will never betray me. I have a feeling that when I finally meet you, everything will just fall into place one piece at a time. That man might sound like a fantasy but he is out there somewhere waiting for me, I can feel it.

✨🎉CHEERS TO THE MYSTERY MAN🎉 💼 I’m on a hunt to find you, don’t worry 😉😍😘

TOODALOO JW

 

Nighttime thoughts

Hey everyone,
I’m going to dive right into a topic that has been bothering me a bit more than usual today. Sexual abuse. Every single girl I have gotten to know has their own story that involves some type of abuse including sexual abuse & rape. There are so many women out there like me who have gone though this and haven’t been able to say anything to anyone for a whole bunch of reasons. 1. They are afraid of the judgment 2. They are sacred that no one will believe them or think it’s all a lie (the worst is when they think you’re lying to get attention) 3. No one wants to be “that girl” or “that guy” who has “problems” 4. The moment you start talking about it..Its real. Personally, I am scared of what people will think of me when I share my story. Not just about rape but other things that I’ve gone through but honestly its been sitting on my chest for a while now..and I’m done hiding it. I don’t give a fuck anymore and I think its important that others are aware that this is a serious issue that affects sooooo many people. Earlier I said that every girl I’ve gotten to know has a story..men go through this shit too..a lot more than you think. I just have more female friends than male (just to clarify).

 

The story of my first kiss was sad and scary. Tbh I don’t even remember how old I was exactly because every time I go through certain traumatizing events..I don’t think about it. I push it to the back of my mind..and hellllla days later I look back and realize how it really affected me. Anywho…My mom wanted to go to Costco to pick up a new fridge for the restaurant we used to own in Concord. She didn’t have a large enough car so she asked one of our “family friends” to come with us so that we had a way to transport it back to the restaurant. I wanted to spend more time with my mom so I decided to come with her to pick it up. I have always loved going out with her so I thought this would be fun. The whole ride there was fun. He was a funny guy who knew a lot of jokes. I remember my mom laughing and smiling, I felt that she trusted him so I did too. My mom told me to wait in the car with this “family friend” while she went inside to pick it up. She was gonna find someone bring the fridge to the car. He told me to come sit in the front with him and I listened. About two minutes after she had left…this guy took out a cigarette, put it in-between his chapped lips and began to light it. Now that I think about it, he had a “pornstache” mustache from OITNB. Super thick hair on his upper lip. He took a puff of the cigarette while I stared at him. I hated the smell of cigarettes so I was mad that he lit it in the car but I couldn’t really say anything because he was an adult and I felt intimidated. He noticed me staring at him and he returned the gaze. Except his eyes wandered. He examined my body, then he looked straight into my eyes and then my lips. He told me how beautiful I was and put his hand on my thigh, then grabbed my face and forcefully kissed me. I felt his tongue. Almost instantly I pushed him away from me, unlocked the door and jumped out of the car. I started spitting and coughing and wanted to throw up so that I wouldn’t have the taste of cigarettes and old man in my mouth. I remember thinking how his mustache felt strange, like a caterpillar on my face. He opened the door to stand outside and finish smoking his cigarette. I was on the other side of the truck, rummaging through my Powerpuff girls bag for a stick of gum. He must have seen my mom coming back because he hopped back into the drivers seat super fast. I was still outside. I wanted to cry and breakdown right then and there but I didn’t know how to process any of it. They got the fridge into the back of the truck as I stood outside the car with a blank stare on my face. I didn’t say a word, I just kept spitting. The truck only had space in the front so I managed to squeeze in next to my mom on the way back. I kept my head down and sat there quietly until we got back.

When I finally had the courage to tell my mom the first thing she said was  “are you sure?” and that “he doesn’t seem like the type” but then she saw how much pain I was in because of it and how hard it was for me to tell her about it in the first place she promised me that I would never have to see him again. Its just crazy how my first kiss was with this old Afghan guy I haven’t seen again since that day. I wonder if he remembers me

TOODALOO JW

A buzzing noise

time
free-time
being alone
trapped in my own head
bird in a cage
filled with rage
I hate the silence
I feel so strange
a buzzing sound
I lay in bed
depressed and lonely
buzzing buzzing in my head
no one to talk to
all this time alone
makes me think of you
and what you did
and how you were to me
how I wanted you
the nectar I would be
until you stung me in the back
wack attack
I didn’t see it coming,
obviously
now I have the buzzing in my head
buzzing, buzzing
annoying me instead
and then
I can’t help but think
about that day
about that night
heres the truth
I knew I deserved better
buzz buzz
better than you
I was naive
I just wanted to be loved
leaving you was liberating
when I told you no
you kept going
so I’m stuck
with this buzz
with too much free time on my hands
and that annoying bee
the buzzing sending me into a trance
in a spiral of negative energy
your memories flood my mind
and that sound of your voice
just won’t go away
buzzing buzzing till I fall asleep
high as a kite
until I wake the next day
go to work,
everything fine
okay until the buzzing starts
usually past nine.
Buzz buzzz (softly this time)
fading away
dying overtime

TOODALOO JW

Life update:

Hey guys,
I’m sorry for being so MIA…I feel so alone right now.,
My best friends aren’t around anymore and since graduation I’ve just been working and being a lazy bum around the house. Honestly I have been seeing a few different guys and I’m starting to feel even more alone. Its like I can date a million and one guys and get the attention from all of them but it’s not the same. A woman just needs to be with her girls and right now mine are just so far away. Shooshoo is in Iraq and has been for the last month..she isn’t coming back until July and it’s fucking killing me. She is supposed to get back a week before I move out to Long Beach so I won’t even be able to see her when she does get back. I used to go to Santa Cruz on my days off just to spend time with her and get my mind off of things. B is back in Indy and is probably staying there for a while. We are supposed to be planning a trip down to New York together so she can meet one of her friends she’s been talking to for the last 2 years but its gonna be impossible with everything thats going on with my move and everything. I feel like I am not going to see her for another year which is crazy because we had class together last semester and I would see her almost every single day. My other friends have their boyfriends and problems they are dealing with in their personal lives so its kinda hard to just hang out and chill because relaxing on my days off usually involves smoking weed and they kinda can’t anymore. Its Ramadan and I should be focusing on myself and my relationship with God but I just can’t. I haven’t fasted at all and I don’t think I’m going to. Instead I have met up with 4 different guys and smoke weed almost every night so that I wouldn’t feel so alone and depressed. I am fully aware that I am making bad choices but ughhhh….Its just ugh. I am not used to not having this much free time. Its like I need a second job or something because I love staying busy it keeps my mind off of things. Every night when I have the apt to myself I just turn the tv on, light a blunt and don’t care if the world was falling apart around me. I am depressed. I know this. I had sex today and my anxiety was through the fucking roof. I didn’t even want it. I didn’t want him, my heart is kinda with someone else. Someone I haven’t even met in person yet but I’ve been texting every single day for three months straight. I can’t do the whole casual sex thing anymore. I want to feel like I’m into the person I’m having sex with, and I see them being in my future. I love being in love or pretending to be in love at least. If you’re just fucking me to fuck…what are you really getting out of it…since the last guy I slept with took advantage of me, my whole perspective has changed. I need to be able to trust you and I need to be really comfortable around you. Its not just dick + pussy = sex…there is so much more…and to me the sex is soooo much better if you can feel the connection. Anywhooo I have so much on my mind and a little too much time on my hands. I’m just taking life one step at a time. Its gonna be so fucking different next month. I am going to be living with three other girls in a two bedroom, two bathroom apt in Long Beach so I’m probably never going to have to worry about being alone. It might even be feeling the complete opposite and want a room to myself lol. Who knows? Well..I’m off to smoke another bowl and write more poetry. I might even finish season 2 of thirteen reasons why tonight because I have absolutely nothing to do.

TOODALOO JW

Future of America

The future of America
in the hands of today’s youth
our children need protection
they deserve the truth
Sitting ducks
fearing for their lives
hiding under desks at school
praying to survive
NRA collecting funds
for men with guns
government lies
who are we teaching
the death toll continues to rise
gun laws declared unconstitutional
while our children sit there screaming
blood paints the halls of our schools
teachers watching and grieving
please pick up a pen not a gun
talk of making America Great again
things have only gotten worse
this war is far from the end
racism at an all-time high
watching it happen
standing idly by
unable to empathize
sons, daughters
brothers and sisters
friends, teachers, and mentors
innocent lives are being mourned
creating another empty post
sorry for your loss
never again
in desperate need
understand
America was never great
what does great again mean
land of the free
home of the brave
guns undocumented
none are safe
our guns easily obtained by our kids
those “mentally unstable” and “disturbed”
time to open our hearts and minds
such tragedies would have never occurred
if restrictions were put in place on time
a gun license or a permit
backgrounds checks
mental health resources we provide
22 mass shootings this year alone
more students than soldiers have died
these children are the future
2018 is the perfect time
to make a change
stand up and be a guide
to our children
help them survive
the future of America
in the hands of today’s youth
help them
guide them
tell the truth
bring them home from school alive

TOODALOO JW

Oh Romeo

Falling in love with a fantasy
making up the man of my dreams
Juliet standing on the balcony
awaiting Romeo & the tragedy

not knowing what tomorrow holds
as I hold a rose close to my chest
and lay there in a white lace dress
awaiting true loves kiss
and take loves true form

in my head I am on a sandy beach
the sound of waves crashing onto the shore
I wake suddenly, confused and besieged
my Romeo’s cold cadaver laying on the floor

I loved him, but only for a moment
we are both so young
our lives feel unimportant
I grab the dagger, drill it into my body
already numb I don’t feel a thing
Actually begin to enjoy the pain

laying there in utter silence
my love laying pale beside me
no reason to feel afraid
I close my eyes
accept my fate

unaware Juliet was making terrible mistake
for a man she didn’t even know
love is blind people say
& youth is wasted on the young

looking back at that terrible day
two star-crossed lovers take their lives
tragedy could have been avoided
if their love didn’t start and end with lies

-TOODALOO JW

SUNSHINE ☀️

Your personality is amazing
your energy gives me life
your smile is worth a thousand words
I am so lucky to have you by my side
little sunshine with a heart of gold
gonna save me from the utter cold
I’m safe and warm
in your arms, I feel at home
our light conversations filled with humor
sun shining on our future
there isn’t a cloud in the sky
when you’re right there by my side
light of my life
silver linings
in disguise
reflecting on the future
we can do better
together
or apart
I’m glad I have you to guide me into the light
and out of the dark

TOODALOO JW

To Palang (Panther)

To my Nissan Sentra I named Palang which means panther in Farsi

I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate you enough, and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize what you were worth until I thought that I almost lost you. Thank you for the countless beach trips and random adventures. Thank you for letting me smoke a blunt and blast my Spotify playlist while you kept me warm and charged my phone for me in the garage. Thank you for being my first baby girl..you are my responsibility and it wasn’t until I had you in my life that I realized what a price I have to pay for freedom. You know what though, it was all worth it. I seriously can’t thank you enough for saving me so much money as the gas prices continue to rise. I only have to spend $25 to last me an entire week with you by my side. lol this is a love letter to my car because it has been such a ride and I can’t wait to have you by my side in the next step of my journey through life. We are going to LONG BEACH baby!

TOODALOO JW

Another day, another man

I have this thing where I get bored super easily, and I judge people easily..
I see someone I like, flirt with them for a while and then get bored. Its hard for someone to keep me interested. At this point in time I am not looking for anyone because I’m about to move but I can’t help but flirt with every cute guy who passes by. I have high expectations for myself and who I associate myself with. I am only 21 and I’ve already made so many mistakes. I’ve made memories with a few too many. I’ve already lost count of the men I’ve been with (not slept with). I opened up, became their “girlfriend” and let them have a piece of me. At this point in time I feel like I need time to patch up the holes that they have left. I need time and space but I am a hopeless romantic and LOVE being in lust.

lying to myself
thinking he could be the one
knowing deep down
I’m just fucking him for fun

future looks bright
his looking bleak
waking up to a new man
his dick puts me to sleep

cuddles to keep me warm
kisses meaningless
wanting to change him
being selfish

last guy I fucked
small dick
fat wallet
shoved it in my mouth
and told me to suck it

he “took me out”
said I was his
he was fucking a corpse
should have let me live

he added another hole
slabbed salt on the wound
acts long forgotten
but never forgiven

TOODALOO JW