Goodbye Childhood

I am about to start a brand new chapter in my life. I keep wandering around my apartment in Fremont thinking about how crazy it is that this won’t be my home in a few days. I have lived in this apartment complex since 2013. I met my first boyfriend here, had my first kiss and pretty much found myself in this city. I really do love the Bay Area and I am sad to leave it behind. San Jose and San Francisco are two of the most amazing cities in the world and I am so blessed to have lived so close to both. I feel like Los Angeles and Southern California also have so much to offer. I am moving because of school and because this has been my dream since high school. I told myself that I would move out of the bay and into LA to achieve my dreams. I am going to be a famous journalist and this move is going to be the beginning of the rest of my life. For some reason I feel like I am leaving my childhood behind with this move. I am leaving my apartment I grew up in, putting on my big girl pants and starting my life. This is not a goodbye to the Bay because my family and best friends still live here so I will be visiting quite often. This is a goodbye to my childhood, and a hello to my new adult life. Goodbye to this little room I called home for the last 5 years. I just can’t believe that when I come back to visit and step into my room it’s never going to look or feel the same. It is crazy how fast life changes.

TOODALOO JW

Weed: My best friend and enemy

I have this love/hate relationship with weed rn. My asthma is terrible this time of year. I wake up in the morning and feel like my lungs are about to collapse. I smoke because I have anxiety and an eating disorder. The weed helps with both so I am used to smoking every day or every other day. I have tried other things like weed edibles but I hate the high you get so thats not an option for me. It takes too long to kick in and it leaves you feeling permafried the next day. I think I am going to give it up for a while and see how I feel. It is definitely going to improve my lung capacity by like a million percent but I am going to miss being high. All of this stress from the move is going to get to me soon and my lung health is more important rn. I really hope I get to start swimming again when I get out there. I need to channel all of this anxiety into a healthy habit. Working out will hopefully improve my appetite as well. Ugh…this is about to be a long difficult journey

TOODALOO JW

Date no. 1000000000000000000000001

I went out on another date yet again today. This one left me as confused and lost as the last one. It was weird, the moment I saw him pull up I instantly fell in love with him through the windshield of his Honda Civic. He is the definition of perfection..until he opens his mouth. Perfect body, dreamy eyes and a smile that will leave you breathless. The best part is that I finally found another Afghan I could get along with. I’ve been dating a lot recently but I haven’t met an Afghan that I actually liked since freshman year of high school. He was the also first guy I actually fell in love with, and that high school soulmates thing. Anywho… I couldn’t help but smile and laugh all day, my cheeks were red and sore. We had a plan  but it didn’t really work out. We were together, that’s all that mattered. He is 28, has absolutely no idea what he is going to be doing in life. He doesn’t have a proper job and he still lives with his parents. The worst part is that he is a loser just like the other ones. That type of man who is going to need more attention from you then you need from them. Who will probably take advantage of your kindness in the end. Who has cheated and said that they have learned from their mistakes but don’t regret it exactly. The wanna-be player type who thinks that he will never make the mistake of falling in love again. The one who you will give your all to, and just be disappointed with at the end.  I know this type far too well and don’t want to go through this whole thing with yet another gorgeous  stranger. I want this to remain nothing but a fond memory to both of us. I can’t see myself marrying this man because I know he and I are on completely different spectrums. What it about him that interests me so much though? My desire for physical attraction is far too important to ignore but I crave attention and protection. I crave a man who will be there for me. I want to find a partner for life, a best friend and a role model for my kids someday. I want to be able to trust them with all my heart and know that they will never betray me. I have a feeling that when I finally meet you, everything will just fall into place one piece at a time. That man might sound like a fantasy but he is out there somewhere waiting for me, I can feel it.

✨🎉CHEERS TO THE MYSTERY MAN🎉 💼 I’m on a hunt to find you, don’t worry 😉😍😘

TOODALOO JW

 

Nighttime thoughts

Hey everyone,
I’m going to dive right into a topic that has been bothering me a bit more than usual today. Sexual abuse. Every single girl I have gotten to know has their own story that involves some type of abuse including sexual abuse & rape. There are so many women out there like me who have gone though this and haven’t been able to say anything to anyone for a whole bunch of reasons. 1. They are afraid of the judgment 2. They are sacred that no one will believe them or think it’s all a lie (the worst is when they think you’re lying to get attention) 3. No one wants to be “that girl” or “that guy” who has “problems” 4. The moment you start talking about it..Its real. Personally, I am scared of what people will think of me when I share my story. Not just about rape but other things that I’ve gone through but honestly its been sitting on my chest for a while now..and I’m done hiding it. I don’t give a fuck anymore and I think its important that others are aware that this is a serious issue that affects sooooo many people. Earlier I said that every girl I’ve gotten to know has a story..men go through this shit too..a lot more than you think. I just have more female friends than male (just to clarify).

 

The story of my first kiss was sad and scary. Tbh I don’t even remember how old I was exactly because every time I go through certain traumatizing events..I don’t think about it. I push it to the back of my mind..and hellllla days later I look back and realize how it really affected me. Anywho…My mom wanted to go to Costco to pick up a new fridge for the restaurant we used to own in Concord. She didn’t have a large enough car so she asked one of our “family friends” to come with us so that we had a way to transport it back to the restaurant. I wanted to spend more time with my mom so I decided to come with her to pick it up. I have always loved going out with her so I thought this would be fun. The whole ride there was fun. He was a funny guy who knew a lot of jokes. I remember my mom laughing and smiling, I felt that she trusted him so I did too. My mom told me to wait in the car with this “family friend” while she went inside to pick it up. She was gonna find someone bring the fridge to the car. He told me to come sit in the front with him and I listened. About two minutes after she had left…this guy took out a cigarette, put it in-between his chapped lips and began to light it. Now that I think about it, he had a “pornstache” mustache from OITNB. Super thick hair on his upper lip. He took a puff of the cigarette while I stared at him. I hated the smell of cigarettes so I was mad that he lit it in the car but I couldn’t really say anything because he was an adult and I felt intimidated. He noticed me staring at him and he returned the gaze. Except his eyes wandered. He examined my body, then he looked straight into my eyes and then my lips. He told me how beautiful I was and put his hand on my thigh, then grabbed my face and forcefully kissed me. I felt his tongue. Almost instantly I pushed him away from me, unlocked the door and jumped out of the car. I started spitting and coughing and wanted to throw up so that I wouldn’t have the taste of cigarettes and old man in my mouth. I remember thinking how his mustache felt strange, like a caterpillar on my face. He opened the door to stand outside and finish smoking his cigarette. I was on the other side of the truck, rummaging through my Powerpuff girls bag for a stick of gum. He must have seen my mom coming back because he hopped back into the drivers seat super fast. I was still outside. I wanted to cry and breakdown right then and there but I didn’t know how to process any of it. They got the fridge into the back of the truck as I stood outside the car with a blank stare on my face. I didn’t say a word, I just kept spitting. The truck only had space in the front so I managed to squeeze in next to my mom on the way back. I kept my head down and sat there quietly until we got back.

When I finally had the courage to tell my mom the first thing she said was  “are you sure?” and that “he doesn’t seem like the type” but then she saw how much pain I was in because of it and how hard it was for me to tell her about it in the first place she promised me that I would never have to see him again. Its just crazy how my first kiss was with this old Afghan guy I haven’t seen again since that day. I wonder if he remembers me

TOODALOO JW

Life update:

Hey guys,
I’m sorry for being so MIA…I feel so alone right now.,
My best friends aren’t around anymore and since graduation I’ve just been working and being a lazy bum around the house. Honestly I have been seeing a few different guys and I’m starting to feel even more alone. Its like I can date a million and one guys and get the attention from all of them but it’s not the same. A woman just needs to be with her girls and right now mine are just so far away. Shooshoo is in Iraq and has been for the last month..she isn’t coming back until July and it’s fucking killing me. She is supposed to get back a week before I move out to Long Beach so I won’t even be able to see her when she does get back. I used to go to Santa Cruz on my days off just to spend time with her and get my mind off of things. B is back in Indy and is probably staying there for a while. We are supposed to be planning a trip down to New York together so she can meet one of her friends she’s been talking to for the last 2 years but its gonna be impossible with everything thats going on with my move and everything. I feel like I am not going to see her for another year which is crazy because we had class together last semester and I would see her almost every single day. My other friends have their boyfriends and problems they are dealing with in their personal lives so its kinda hard to just hang out and chill because relaxing on my days off usually involves smoking weed and they kinda can’t anymore. Its Ramadan and I should be focusing on myself and my relationship with God but I just can’t. I haven’t fasted at all and I don’t think I’m going to. Instead I have met up with 4 different guys and smoke weed almost every night so that I wouldn’t feel so alone and depressed. I am fully aware that I am making bad choices but ughhhh….Its just ugh. I am not used to not having this much free time. Its like I need a second job or something because I love staying busy it keeps my mind off of things. Every night when I have the apt to myself I just turn the tv on, light a blunt and don’t care if the world was falling apart around me. I am depressed. I know this. I had sex today and my anxiety was through the fucking roof. I didn’t even want it. I didn’t want him, my heart is kinda with someone else. Someone I haven’t even met in person yet but I’ve been texting every single day for three months straight. I can’t do the whole casual sex thing anymore. I want to feel like I’m into the person I’m having sex with, and I see them being in my future. I love being in love or pretending to be in love at least. If you’re just fucking me to fuck…what are you really getting out of it…since the last guy I slept with took advantage of me, my whole perspective has changed. I need to be able to trust you and I need to be really comfortable around you. Its not just dick + pussy = sex…there is so much more…and to me the sex is soooo much better if you can feel the connection. Anywhooo I have so much on my mind and a little too much time on my hands. I’m just taking life one step at a time. Its gonna be so fucking different next month. I am going to be living with three other girls in a two bedroom, two bathroom apt in Long Beach so I’m probably never going to have to worry about being alone. It might even be feeling the complete opposite and want a room to myself lol. Who knows? Well..I’m off to smoke another bowl and write more poetry. I might even finish season 2 of thirteen reasons why tonight because I have absolutely nothing to do.

TOODALOO JW

To Palang (Panther)

To my Nissan Sentra I named Palang which means panther in Farsi

I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate you enough, and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize what you were worth until I thought that I almost lost you. Thank you for the countless beach trips and random adventures. Thank you for letting me smoke a blunt and blast my Spotify playlist while you kept me warm and charged my phone for me in the garage. Thank you for being my first baby girl..you are my responsibility and it wasn’t until I had you in my life that I realized what a price I have to pay for freedom. You know what though, it was all worth it. I seriously can’t thank you enough for saving me so much money as the gas prices continue to rise. I only have to spend $25 to last me an entire week with you by my side. lol this is a love letter to my car because it has been such a ride and I can’t wait to have you by my side in the next step of my journey through life. We are going to LONG BEACH baby!

TOODALOO JW

February 2018

Sooo once again, I fell in love with someone who will never be able to reciprocate those same emotions toward me. I fell in love with a liar this time. A selfish man who thinks its okay to fuck anyone he wants without consequence. I knew from the very start that this man would never be loyal to me; he would never be mine. I thought I could do the whole friends with benefits thing but I was so wrong. I think it is disgusting to be with someone who is so open to sleeping with strangers. You don’t know them..you don’t know where they have been or what they’ve been through. Called me old fashioned but these are just my beliefs. I deserve better. I am better. I dropped him so fast because I respect myself enough to say no. It just sucks that I lost my best friend in the process. I really enjoyed every moment I spent with him. It got to the point where the smell of his clothes would bring me comfort and the one thing I would crave most is falling asleep in his arms. I loved you C. Now its time to move on..its for the best. Thank you for 6 months of memories.

TOODALOO JW

RESOLUTIONS;

Hello internet/cyber-world thingy and hello to those who actually take the time to read my posts that include but are not limited to my VERY personal poetry, and a few very significant moments in my life that I document through stories. I am going to be on WordPress a whole lot more because there are so many things happening this year and so many changes that I’m not going to be able to wrap my head around until much later into the future. One of my New Years resolutions is documenting more of these exciting and positive moments. Every fall and winter since my father passed away I tend to fall into this depressed state and the only way to snap out of it is to remind myself of all the little things I am thankful for on a daily basis.

1. How my mother is an incredible woman and everything that she has put herself through was for this moment right here..complete bliss.

2. My father was an incredible cook and a cool state at home dad during the day. There was even a time after he got out of rehab where he was able to stay with us for an entire year while I was in middle school. I was so excited to have homemade breakfast and lunch instead of the free meals at school.

3. I was born into the biggest most loving family on this planet. My uncles and aunts all get along and there is never any conflict mA. I feel like all of my aunts are my mothers and uncles are father figures. My aunt Aziza raised me just as much as my mother. I remember having the courage to take the B.A.R.T. train from Concord to Fremont all alone just to see her every weekend in 5th grade. It was definitely my home away from home. ❤️

3.I owe my entire life to my girls, we are the friends that so many aspire to have. Theres P, the fabulous and talented and gorgeous Cosmo in training who we all know is going to be super successful in life. Probably going to have her own salon next to the hookah lounge we open up 😉
B, the modestly stunning photographer wifey who is probably going to marry an over 6ft tall black muslim guy (any inquiries…lmk) and have a bunch of mixed babies that I will take and raise for my own.
S, is gonna be married to a super rich middle eastern guy and will be set for life.. “me no study, me no care” right babe? LOL nahhhh jk shes going to be the most incredible business woman the world has ever seen…unless she’s doing bio-tech (has not been decided yet)..then she will have a cure for cancer in no time.

4.THIS FACE EVERY MORNING AND NIGHT
IMAG0409

also, thank YOU
yes, YOU
I see you through the stats 😬
for real though thank you for taking the time to read and comment, or like my posts. Maybe one day I will make this page more public and share it on my personal social media pages. I just don’t feel like I’m ready to expose that part of myself yet. My last few poems have been about my sexual fantasies and desires and I would like to think of WordPress as my little journal and an outlet where I can say whatever I want the way it feels. Some of my entries are nothing more than run on sentences..but thats the beauty in something like this, it doesn’t matter. If you haven’t yet, please like any posts you’ve read and maybe even follow me because I’m human and I would like a little reassurance once in a while 😅 I appreciate youuuuu
Thats all for now,
TOODALOO JW

To the married couples ❤️

To all the married couples who have made it through years together
I envy you

its hard to find a man
that will love you
be your biggest fan
the one who will be yours forever

commitments become difficult
millennials living their lives,
the “In the moment” state of mind
blaming myself

being too good
being a “wifey” type of girl
thought that was the dream

Bringing him food
Thinking of him day and night
Waking him up with a bj
My body at his disposal

too bad my relationships never last
A few months here
Few more there
my friends always know
How long it actually a lasts

I go through men like water
they’re so disposable
feels perfect in the first few months
until one day it all changes
they become careless

forgetful
all the little “favors” you do for them turn into chores
That white Pickett fence life is behind us
the new dream turned into a game

who can get ahead
who can get further
materialistic dreams
money

was it always this difficult?
were men always this way?
I know who I want to become
a successful woman
with a committed man on my side

someone who I know will appreciate me
and all the little things I do to keep him happy
even when we argue,
it won’t be enough to break us apart

we will always find a way back to each other
true love
these are the thoughts of a hopeless romantic

to those who have someone you would do anything for
the one you can commit your whole life to
give them anything in the world

see them with you every single step of the way
I envy you
never let that person go

TOODALOO JW