Mental health matters! Please don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Your feelings are valid and if you are in a bad place in your life right now it’s understandable. I feel like I needed to create this post to raise awareness because mental health disorders are so powerful and usually difficult to overcome. It is a constant battle within yourself and half of the time you don’t even realize that it’s happening. At least for me, I just thought being depressed was just a part of life like it was normal until I was finally able to open my eyes and realize what was happening right in front of me.
I haven’t been in the right headspace lately and I have been pushing off receiving any type of treatment or medication because I was ashamed of it; I was scared. I wasn’t sure if it was going to make it better or worse. I have been through just about everything early on. I have been raped, abused (mentally and physically), I would cut myself often and considered suicide. I’ve also been in bad relationships and cheated on more than once. I have had an eating disorder since middle school and I binge eat only once a day. Finally, to top it all off I have family issues and my father passed away my senior year of high school which was hard to go through because there was a lot of resentment toward him.
I keep asking myself over and over why God is punishing me. Like what did I do to deserve all the bad things that have happened to me throughout the years? I guess you have to look at it in a glass half full perspective and keep telling yourself that shit is happening to you because you CAN handle it. Every other problem you encounter after this is going to look easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Recently I was given an ultimatum at Claire’s where my district manager told me that I have to choose between work and school and that triggered the start of my depression. I moved to Long Beach with a guaranteed high paying job that I thought would get me through the two years of school that I have left. I didn’t expect to be forced to resign halfway through my first year but I guess everything happens for a reason. I absolutely hated the job, and it was interfering with everything including school which was the whole point of moving out here in the first place. I don’t have anyone to really lean on for support other than my mom but she isn’t exactly financially stable at the moment either so I feel so bad even asking her for anything. I have never been put in this position before because I have had a job (multiple jobs at a time) since I turned 15. I have always been able to support myself and never had to think about not being able to pay the bills on time which I know realize was such a blessing. To me, losing this job felt like the end of the world. I felt like I had failed and that I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I wasn’t going to make it and I just wanted to give up trying. I kept telling myself that If I couldn’t find another job I would have no choice but to move back home and try to transfer to SJSU or something. Idk man long story short I was going through this crazy spiral in my head of random what ifs and I was so desperate to just mellow out and not have to worry about anything.
This was the peak of my obsession with alcohol and weed. I just felt like I had to be fucked up so that the negative thoughts couldn’t control me. I would come home from work or school and the first thing I would do is smoke a bowl or maybe two in my car. The moment I stepped in the door I would go straight to the kitchen, grab a glass of wine and my first and only meal of the day. I would lay in bed high as a kite and watch Netflix until I fell asleep. This was what I considered bliss at the time. I felt permafried and knew that it was doing a lot of harm to my lungs but I couldn’t give less of a shit. I would wake up with massive chest pains and I had to use my inhaler three times a day. It got so bad that I had to go to the health center for a breathing treatment once a week but for what? I didn’t give a fuck.
With depression comes a decline in motivation and drive. I completely ignore any responsibility from reading emails and doing homework to basic things like eating or calling your mom after she calls you a million times. I can disappear for weeks or months at a time and the longer it takes me to snap out of it the bigger the pile becomes and the more overwhelmed I feel. I smoke a lot of weed. Like a loooooot. I thought it was helping me through it but honestly, it just made me feel even number.
My TriDelta twin Maddy talked me into seeing a school psychologist and taking advantage of the services available on campus. Like I said, I was super skeptical about the whole thing but once I went in for the first time and opened up I felt like I huge weight had just been lifted off of my shoulders and that I could finally breathe again. I didn’t realize that I had been carrying sooo much baggage hidden deep inside for so many years. Every time something bad would happen I would just shove it to the back of my mind and laugh it off because it was my coping mechanism. I felt like if I didn’t think about things, it would just go away and I would be fine. The psychologist wrote down a summary of everything we had talked about in our previous sessions and read it back to me. I started crying because even though I told him those things I couldn’t believe that it was actually my story. I guess I just needed to see it from a different perspective.
He prescribed antidepressants which are working pretty well right now. Idk if its the placebo effect but I feel like I am in a better place. Last night I tried smoking weed while on the medication and I regretted it sooo bad. I don’t feel like I need it as much which is insane to me because it was such a big part of my life for a long time.
So the moral of the story is don’t be afraid to try new things and open up to things like therapy or medication because it might help you in ways you could never even dream of.
I also wanted to give a little shout out to my angel who has helped me these past few weeks as well. He has been a blessing in my life and is currently waiting patiently for me to finish writing this post as we speak. This post wouldn’t have even happened if it weren’t for his love and support. I feel like I finally found someone who understands what I am going through and it feels special to be able to connect like that. Thanks for nagging me to eat, bringing me chocolate and always making my happiness a priority ❤ I appreciate you!