So today I decided to take a step in a new direction and find a solution to my problems that have been bottled up since early childhood. As many of you who follow my blog know, I’ve gone through a lot and I don’t really talk about it with anyone but I try and gather my thoughts through journaling and poetry. I have decided after years of denial I actually needed help before I “slip” again. I’ve been seeing the school psychologist for the last month. He prescribed a medication which might help me in a number of ways including my drive and focus when it came to school. He also said it might help stabilize my mood enough to where I don’t feel like I have to smoke weed every day to escape reality. I’ve just felt like taking medication was a sign of weakness. My mom had to go on antidepressants and she had a really bad experience on them. I can’t base my opinions solely on someone else’s experience because everyone is different and who knows..this could actually help.
The problem with me is that once I fall into the deep hole of depression I just start shutting everything and everyone out of my life except for my best friends which usually talk me out of doing things I might regret later on. I haven’t cut since high school but for some reason I have been thinking about it a lot more lately which is usually the first sign that I’m falling back into the hole.
I have also learned that I have a very addictive personality meaning that once I start doing something (in this case its drinking coffee and smoking weed) that I feel so dependent on it. If it’s not a part of my daily routine I will feel off or like something is missing. I’ve decided that because I am taking this medication I am going to give up smoking cold turkey for 30 days and see how I feel. Throughout that time I will be trying to update my blog more to help me understand how I feel with or without the medication.
Something else I am struggling with is my eating disorder. I only eat once a day and sometimes that can just be a cup of coffee and a pastry. I hate the thought of gaining weight and have been struggling with it my entire life. I used to go weeks without eating and work out excessively on top of that. This immense feeling of satisfaction just comes over you after a long day of starving yourself. I don’t think anything can compare to it. I just feel so beautiful like one of those models in Vogue.
I’ve just met another beautiful soul who understands what I am going through and to be honest..hes probably the reason why I am more aware of things too. He asks me if I’ve eaten every time we talk and I just always reply with “no” which always makes me think about how unhealthy this lifestyle is. Food should be fuel, not your enemy. There are healthier alternatives and I have to get over this stupid fear. I am grateful for him and I feel like my angels have just sent me a little blessing. He has come to open my eyes and help me realize my worth. I need to start taking care of myself and appreciate what I have been given. I feel like I should be more grateful.
So here we go with day 1: I really hope this isn’t a placebo effect because after a few hours of taking it I’m already more focused which is crazy to me. Like I’ve been procrastinating writing another blog post and right now I’m sitting on the shuttle on the way to school just typing away. It will take me about a month to really know how this is going to affect me but I am going through this journey with a positive mind and an open heart. I know my angels got me no matter what so I am just going to sit back and trust the process. If I feel that it’s not working or its negatively affecting me I can stop taking it at any time so there really shouldn’t be anything to worry about. I am going to track my progress as often as I can because this will be a good way to reflect as well.
PS: if you’re reading this Freddy please leave me and my friends/roommate the fuck alone. I have your ugly ass jacket somewhere in my laundry basket I’ll give it back eventually…k, bye.