I’m sorry for being so MIA…I feel so alone right now.,
My best friends aren’t around anymore and since graduation I’ve just been working and being a lazy bum around the house. Honestly I have been seeing a few different guys and I’m starting to feel even more alone. Its like I can date a million and one guys and get the attention from all of them but it’s not the same. A woman just needs to be with her girls and right now mine are just so far away. Shooshoo is in Iraq and has been for the last month..she isn’t coming back until July and it’s fucking killing me. She is supposed to get back a week before I move out to Long Beach so I won’t even be able to see her when she does get back. I used to go to Santa Cruz on my days off just to spend time with her and get my mind off of things. B is back in Indy and is probably staying there for a while. We are supposed to be planning a trip down to New York together so she can meet one of her friends she’s been talking to for the last 2 years but its gonna be impossible with everything thats going on with my move and everything. I feel like I am not going to see her for another year which is crazy because we had class together last semester and I would see her almost every single day. My other friends have their boyfriends and problems they are dealing with in their personal lives so its kinda hard to just hang out and chill because relaxing on my days off usually involves smoking weed and they kinda can’t anymore. Its Ramadan and I should be focusing on myself and my relationship with God but I just can’t. I haven’t fasted at all and I don’t think I’m going to. Instead I have met up with 4 different guys and smoke weed almost every night so that I wouldn’t feel so alone and depressed. I am fully aware that I am making bad choices but ughhhh….Its just ugh. I am not used to not having this much free time. Its like I need a second job or something because I love staying busy it keeps my mind off of things. Every night when I have the apt to myself I just turn the tv on, light a blunt and don’t care if the world was falling apart around me. I am depressed. I know this. I had sex today and my anxiety was through the fucking roof. I didn’t even want it. I didn’t want him, my heart is kinda with someone else. Someone I haven’t even met in person yet but I’ve been texting every single day for three months straight. I can’t do the whole casual sex thing anymore. I want to feel like I’m into the person I’m having sex with, and I see them being in my future. I love being in love or pretending to be in love at least. If you’re just fucking me to fuck…what are you really getting out of it…since the last guy I slept with took advantage of me, my whole perspective has changed. I need to be able to trust you and I need to be really comfortable around you. Its not just dick + pussy = sex…there is so much more…and to me the sex is soooo much better if you can feel the connection. Anywhooo I have so much on my mind and a little too much time on my hands. I’m just taking life one step at a time. Its gonna be so fucking different next month. I am going to be living with three other girls in a two bedroom, two bathroom apt in Long Beach so I’m probably never going to have to worry about being alone. It might even be feeling the complete opposite and want a room to myself lol. Who knows? Well..I’m off to smoke another bowl and write more poetry. I might even finish season 2 of thirteen reasons why tonight because I have absolutely nothing to do.