To my angel

My love,

I feel like every relationship before this has been a lie because I can honestly say that I have never felt this way about anyone. The part that I am still not able to wrap my head around is the mutual the love we have for each other. I have never had someone feed me with their own hands, remind me to take care of myself, or say that my problems are ours and we can get through it together. You actually took time and effort into getting to know me and are so selfless about everything. Your time, money, energy, and even your own happiness. You would sacrifice your own comfort to make sure that I am okay. This is something I have never seen or experienced with any man I’ve come across. I know that you love being in the spotlight just as much as I do but so far you’ve just been shining it on me and letting me glow. I felt the need to write down my feelings now because they are valid. I am no longer afraid that this is all in my head, it’s real. I’ve just been through this so many times and I’ve lost track of the men that have come in and out of my life. I always felt like I was always fooling myself. I was imagined that they would be in my life long term or even might be a potential husband. I would always try and be the perfect “wifey” girlfriend who went with every bad decision to avoid conflict. I thought that they would turn around one day and see me for who I am. Start loving me for the sacrifices I had to make. They would never see it or see us the way I did. I tried so hard and held on through the lies and broken promises, disappointment, and abuse. After realizing this, months into the relationship, I knew they weren’t who I was desperately searching for. I guess my angels were holding onto you so that we could meet at the time they thought I could use a friend the most.

My life hasn’t been easy and I’ve been facing hardships since early childhood. I felt like I had no control over what happened in my past. I was born into a broken family and have struggled my whole life to love and be loved. I’ve always told myself that I wouldn’t settle and that I would find the man who deserves me. Someone that my future children can look up to and depend on. I know that my partner in life has to be my better half.

When I think about you Jaan, the biggest smile appears on my face and I even blush a little because you bring me that much joy. I don’t think my words are doing my feelings any justice because the way I feel about you can’t really be described in a particular way…You are everything I have ever wanted in a man and I just hope that I can make you as happy as you make me feel every day. I appreciate your presence on this earth and my angels couldn’t have picked a better time to send you to me because I was in a really bad place a few months ago..thanks to the prayers and effort you have put into me and us, I am finally able to write this post out of love and I don’t care how many times I thought I’ve fallen in love..this is completely different. I just hope that my love for you continues to grow and that my search is finally over.

TOODALOO WITH LOVE JW

For Stephon Clark may he rest in paradise

I had an interesting conversation with a wonderful woman on the phone while I was trying to apply for Medical today. (I thought I might give it a shot because at this point I have nothing left to loose now that I am officially unemployed.) She told me about how scary it is to grow up in a place like Oakland. How even at five years old she had to worry about shots fired into homes. Can you imagine being so scared for your child’s life that you make them lie down on their stomachs on the floor while they are doing their homework? That just put a whole lot of perspective into the situation for me.

Being black in America is such a terrifying thing in this day in age. There is an abundance of unreported incidences involving injustice to so many black-Americans all over the states. One that she personally shed a light on in our conversation today was that of Stephon Clark. The 22-year old father of two who was mistakenly shot in the backyard of his grandmothers home in Sacramento, CA. I went back and re-read the reports and I instantly felt grief for him and his family.

There were reports of break-ins that led to the 9-11 call that night .”The caller stated that the male subject had broken car windows and was now hiding in a backyard,” the report said. “The caller described the subject as a male … wearing a black hoodie and dark pants.” Stephon was in the backyard of his grandmothers home when police had shown up. The police believed an “object” was pointed at them before they took action. The officer also thought he was shot by Clark because of a flash of light that reflected off his uniform. “… At which time I looked and based on the light coming off of … my tactical light — it appeared I thought that he had already shot at me because I saw what I believed to be a metallic reflection or muzzle flash — something coming at me,” Mercadal said. “I was scared. I thought that he had shot at me. I think I remember yelling, ‘Gun.'” Instead, Clark was just trying to document the injustice. The “object” that they thought was a firearm was actually his cellphone.

The worst part of this story other than his grandmother having to witness this happen in her backyard after being shot eight times by police unnecessarily was the fact that there were no charges filed against the officers who shot him. It was considered a form of self-defense even though Clark didn’t even have a weapon or firearm on him during the entire incident.

The universe will allow you to cross paths with some incredible souls that will end up teaching you something you needed to know at that particular moment of time. Today’s lesson is value every second you have on this planet because you never know what’s gonna happen. Also, you need to stand up for what you believe in because we live in a democracy. We are given a voice here so let it be known. I admire those who protested this particular injustice and if I could go back in time I would take a stand and march alongside his family and friends. I can only hope that one day stories like Stephon’s and many others will contribute to change that we desperately need right now. May he rest in peace.

TOODALOO JW

Mental Health Matters ;

Mental health matters! Please don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Your feelings are valid and if you are in a bad place in your life right now it’s understandable. I feel like I needed to create this post to raise awareness because mental health disorders are so powerful and usually difficult to overcome. It is a constant battle within yourself and half of the time you don’t even realize that it’s happening. At least for me, I just thought being depressed was just a part of life like it was normal until I was finally able to open my eyes and realize what was happening right in front of me.

I haven’t been in the right headspace lately and I have been pushing off receiving any type of treatment or medication because I was ashamed of it; I was scared. I wasn’t sure if it was going to make it better or worse. I have been through just about everything early on. I have been raped, abused (mentally and physically), I would cut myself often and considered suicide. I’ve also been in bad relationships and cheated on more than once. I have had an eating disorder since middle school and I binge eat only once a day. Finally, to top it all off I have family issues and my father passed away my senior year of high school which was hard to go through because there was a lot of resentment toward him.

I keep asking myself over and over why God is punishing me. Like what did I do to deserve all the bad things that have happened to me throughout the years? I guess you have to look at it in a glass half full perspective and keep telling yourself that shit is happening to you because you CAN handle it. Every other problem you encounter after this is going to look easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Recently I was given an ultimatum at Claire’s where my district manager told me that I have to choose between work and school and that triggered the start of my depression. I moved to Long Beach with a guaranteed high paying job that I thought would get me through the two years of school that I have left. I didn’t expect to be forced to resign halfway through my first year but I guess everything happens for a reason. I absolutely hated the job, and it was interfering with everything including school which was the whole point of moving out here in the first place. I don’t have anyone to really lean on for support other than my mom but she isn’t exactly financially stable at the moment either so I feel so bad even asking her for anything. I have never been put in this position before because I have had a job (multiple jobs at a time) since I turned 15. I have always been able to support myself and never had to think about not being able to pay the bills on time which I know realize was such a blessing. To me, losing this job felt like the end of the world. I felt like I had failed and that I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I wasn’t going to make it and I just wanted to give up trying. I kept telling myself that If I couldn’t find another job I would have no choice but to move back home and try to transfer to SJSU or something. Idk man long story short I was going through this crazy spiral in my head of random what ifs and I was so desperate to just mellow out and not have to worry about anything.

This was the peak of my obsession with alcohol and weed. I just felt like I had to be fucked up so that the negative thoughts couldn’t control me. I would come home from work or school and the first thing I would do is smoke a bowl or maybe two in my car. The moment I stepped in the door I would go straight to the kitchen, grab a glass of wine and my first and only meal of the day. I would lay in bed high as a kite and watch Netflix until I fell asleep. This was what I considered bliss at the time. I felt permafried and knew that it was doing a lot of harm to my lungs but I couldn’t give less of a shit. I would wake up with massive chest pains and I had to use my inhaler three times a day. It got so bad that I had to go to the health center for a breathing treatment once a week but for what? I didn’t give a fuck.

With depression comes a decline in motivation and drive. I completely ignore any responsibility from reading emails and doing homework to basic things like eating or calling your mom after she calls you a million times. I can disappear for weeks or months at a time and the longer it takes me to snap out of it the bigger the pile becomes and the more overwhelmed I feel. I smoke a lot of weed. Like a loooooot. I thought it was helping me through it but honestly, it just made me feel even number.

My TriDelta twin Maddy talked me into seeing a school psychologist and taking advantage of the services available on campus. Like I said, I was super skeptical about the whole thing but once I went in for the first time and opened up I felt like I huge weight had just been lifted off of my shoulders and that I could finally breathe again. I didn’t realize that I had been carrying sooo much baggage hidden deep inside for so many years. Every time something bad would happen I would just shove it to the back of my mind and laugh it off because it was my coping mechanism. I felt like if I didn’t think about things, it would just go away and I would be fine. The psychologist wrote down a summary of everything we had talked about in our previous sessions and read it back to me. I started crying because even though I told him those things I couldn’t believe that it was actually my story. I guess I just needed to see it from a different perspective.

He prescribed antidepressants which are working pretty well right now. Idk if its the placebo effect but I feel like I am in a better place. Last night I tried smoking weed while on the medication and I regretted it sooo bad. I don’t feel like I need it as much which is insane to me because it was such a big part of my life for a long time.

So the moral of the story is don’t be afraid to try new things and open up to things like therapy or medication because it might help you in ways you could never even dream of.

I also wanted to give a little shout out to my angel who has helped me these past few weeks as well. He has been a blessing in my life and is currently waiting patiently for me to finish writing this post as we speak. This post wouldn’t have even happened if it weren’t for his love and support. I feel like I finally found someone who understands what I am going through and it feels special to be able to connect like that. Thanks for nagging me to eat, bringing me chocolate and always making my happiness a priority ❤ I appreciate you!

TOODALOO JW

My new journey on anti-depressants

So today I decided to take a step in a new direction and find a solution to my problems that have been bottled up since early childhood. As many of you who follow my blog know, I’ve gone through a lot and I don’t really talk about it with anyone but I try and gather my thoughts through journaling and poetry. I have decided after years of denial I actually needed help before I “slip” again. I’ve been seeing the school psychologist for the last month. He prescribed a medication which might help me in a number of ways including my drive and focus when it came to school. He also said it might help stabilize my mood enough to where I don’t feel like I have to smoke weed every day to escape reality. I’ve just felt like taking medication was a sign of weakness. My mom had to go on antidepressants and she had a really bad experience on them. I can’t base my opinions solely on someone else’s experience because everyone is different and who knows..this could actually help.

The problem with me is that once I fall into the deep hole of depression I just start shutting everything and everyone out of my life except for my best friends which usually talk me out of doing things I might regret later on. I haven’t cut since high school but for some reason I have been thinking about it a lot more lately which is usually the first sign that I’m falling back into the hole.

I have also learned that I have a very addictive personality meaning that once I start doing something (in this case its drinking coffee and smoking weed) that I feel so dependent on it. If it’s not a part of my daily routine I will feel off or like something is missing. I’ve decided that because I am taking this medication I am going to give up smoking cold turkey for 30 days and see how I feel. Throughout that time I will be trying to update my blog more to help me understand how I feel with or without the medication.

Something else I am struggling with is my eating disorder. I only eat once a day and sometimes that can just be a cup of coffee and a pastry. I hate the thought of gaining weight and have been struggling with it my entire life. I used to go weeks without eating and work out excessively on top of that. This immense feeling of satisfaction just comes over you after a long day of starving yourself. I don’t think anything can compare to it. I just feel so beautiful like one of those models in Vogue.

I’ve just met another beautiful soul who understands what I am going through and to be honest..hes probably the reason why I am more aware of things too. He asks me if I’ve eaten every time we talk and I just always reply with “no” which always makes me think about how unhealthy this lifestyle is. Food should be fuel, not your enemy. There are healthier alternatives and I have to get over this stupid fear. I am grateful for him and I feel like my angels have just sent me a little blessing. He has come to open my eyes and help me realize my worth. I need to start taking care of myself and appreciate what I have been given. I feel like I should be more grateful.

So here we go with day 1: I really hope this isn’t a placebo effect because after a few hours of taking it I’m already more focused which is crazy to me. Like I’ve been procrastinating writing another blog post and right now I’m sitting on the shuttle on the way to school just typing away. It will take me about a month to really know how this is going to affect me but I am going through this journey with a positive mind and an open heart. I know my angels got me no matter what so I am just going to sit back and trust the process. If I feel that it’s not working or its negatively affecting me I can stop taking it at any time so there really shouldn’t be anything to worry about. I am going to track my progress as often as I can because this will be a good way to reflect as well.

PS: if you’re reading this Freddy please leave me and my friends/roommate the fuck alone. I have your ugly ass jacket somewhere in my laundry basket I’ll give it back eventually…k, bye.

TOODALOO JW

I think I’m in love with Happiness

Happiness is easy

Comes naturally

Leaves suddenly

Returns unexpectedly

Stays comfortably

And lives honestly

Happiness looks light 💡

Feels sensual

Tastes powerful

And sounds like laughter

infectious laughter

that leaves you in tears

Happiness is a friend

Who stops by to say hi

Even in the worst times

Happiness is remembered

And loved

Happiness is needed

And wanted

Happiness is craved

what is the purpose of living without it

It is as important as a brain

and as strong as A heart

Once you stop living

The memory of your happiness will live on

So protect it

And nurture it

Create a garden within yourselves

Allow it to bloom the most obscure flowers

Let it fill your life with colors

And please share this experience with others

Because happiness spreads like a wildfire

So I’m igniting the light

Planting the seeds

And clearing the debris

So that happiness can stay

For as long as it needs

And when it does decide to leave

We let it

For happiness is like fresh air

It can’t be contained

If it was always there

We would never notice it

That’s why it’s so special when it comes to visit

I think I’m in love with happiness

TOODALOO JW

To my best friend

By my side

Through the good and bad

Partners in crime

Best I’ve ever had

Thank you for everything

For all that you do

For putting a smile on my face

for knowing what I’m going through

My dory ass is always lost

You always know where to look

When I get lost within myself

You can read me like a book

I can count on you to know

Exactly what to do

When I feel broken inside

You show up

And bring the glue

You can put back the pieces

better than anyone I’ve known

Thank you for being there

I no longer feel alone

Thanks for keeping me warm

These long winter nights

These last few months have been dark

thanks for hanging twinkle lights

Thanks for everything best friend

I moved out here for a reason

I want you to reach your goals

And push you to achieve them

I hope you’ll come back to this

Whenever you feel down

To remind you of how amazing you are

And that I’ll always be around 😘

TOODALOO JW

Playing games

22 year old woman from Queens

Moved to SoCal to fulfill my dreams

Dedicated, loyal, hardworking, polite

the man I’m in love with is kinda blind

He doesn’t see that I’m one of a kind

He doesn’t see past the similarities

The ones of me and his ex

Never lets me forget

Brings it up every chance he gets

Apparently we even feel the same during sex

And say the same thing through text

He Says thank you next and no regrets

But still replies to her when she texts

He gets upset when she’s on my mind too

She wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for you

I really don’t know why though honestly

Why am I chasing after you so desperately

This is very unlike me

I shouldn’t care that you’re not mine

I’m also not gonna beg and whine

A woman like me is hard to come by

And someone who can’t see my worth

Just feels like a huge waste of my time

So what are we doing

Feels like we’re playing games

I’m done with this tic tac toe Tetris shit

For a second I thought you completed me

But I was wrong

It was just the wrong fit

nothing new to me

TOODALOO JW

Bi-curious

I crave women

I’m curious

Might be going through a phase

As of right now

It’s just a little craze

I love dick so much

Don’t get me wrong

But I also love women

Both independent and strong

I have had many men

It just wasn’t enough for me

But I haven’t had a woman yet

How different can it be?

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see

Until I find a woman that finds me worthy

To share with her

This curious side of me

TOODALOO JW

Best they’ve ever had

I stood there with my heart on my sleeve

thinking I was the problem with “us”

only later would I realize

you weren’t shit

it was all an illusion, lust

all these guys crawling back to me

they fall on their knees

begging me to take them back

telling me they’ve made a mistake

apologizing for how they’ve behaved

saying I’m the best they’ve ever had

it’s too late now

they’ve already broken the trust

what we had are ashes and dust.

I was THAT girl

the only girl

who has ever treated them right

a Queen in plain sight

secure and confident

wanting only the best for them

the best for us

it was never enough

I was dying inside

couldn’t stop crying

Covered it up so well

you couldn’t tell

It didn’t break me

I wouldn’t allow it

I woke up

Picked up the pieces

Knew how to go about it

erased the memories of us

Definitely not worth my tears

someday they will see

the mistakes they made

Helped me grow stronger

face my fears

I can finally let them go

It wasn’t my choice at first

I just learned to accept it

I’m going to bed happy

Knowing I got rejected

Things happen for a reason it’s true

Thank God I’m moving on

Already looking my next “boo”

One who sees my worth

And deserves everything I do

TOODALOO JW